Time.Pictures.Memories.Kicks.Movements.Moments...LIFE!
All things I wish i would have had more of with Benjamin.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
10 steps back...
Today has not been the best of day's. All morning i kept thinking about how i SHOULD be pregnant, how I'm NOT pregnant. How badly I want another child.
It hurts.
It hurts.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Today...
It's been one month today since Benjamin was born. I held him for the first and last time. It seems like it took forever for a month to finally pass but at the same time in my mind i relive every moment of those two days as if they just happened. I am coping a lot better then i thought I would. I mean sure I have my moments sometimes they come on so suddenly but from what I'm being told i seem to be doing "well". I pray that it isn't a set up for some kind of huge mental break down months down the road. Only time will tell...
Well I quit my job yesterday. I truly felt like it was the best decision. I will miss it but once i finally made the call I felt this huge weight lifted off of me. I just sense my life going in a new direction. I am looking forward to see where that leads.
Today I will be spending the day with a friend, in hopes to keep my mind in some what of a happy place.
************
Happy 1 month birthday Benjamin! I know your having a good time in heaven with all our family that has already passed. I miss you & love you! - Mama
Well I quit my job yesterday. I truly felt like it was the best decision. I will miss it but once i finally made the call I felt this huge weight lifted off of me. I just sense my life going in a new direction. I am looking forward to see where that leads.
Today I will be spending the day with a friend, in hopes to keep my mind in some what of a happy place.
************
Happy 1 month birthday Benjamin! I know your having a good time in heaven with all our family that has already passed. I miss you & love you! - Mama
Monday, January 18, 2010
1 month...
One month ago today i thought Ben was still alive. I was excited to be finding out if the baby was a boy or a girl. Instead i found out the baby had no heartbeat!
This has been the longest month of my life. I miss him so much, growing inside of me. The flutters that would now be kicks. Why can't he just be inside of me living, growing? I see all of my friends and family who are still pregnant and all around the same months I should be and i get so jealous and so sad! I'm not mad at them or wish bad on them I just mourn what i lost and seeing them is a constant reminder of where i should be and I'm not! I hate feeling that way, but I'm told its natural and will heal with time.
I am suppose to go back to work tomorrow. I don't see how I can. I don't want too, i have no desire to. I only agreed because I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I don't want to let anyone down. I can't explain why I feel this way about going back but I just do.
Tomorrow I would have been 23 weeks...Tomorrow makes 1 month since Ben was born.
This has been the longest month of my life. I miss him so much, growing inside of me. The flutters that would now be kicks. Why can't he just be inside of me living, growing? I see all of my friends and family who are still pregnant and all around the same months I should be and i get so jealous and so sad! I'm not mad at them or wish bad on them I just mourn what i lost and seeing them is a constant reminder of where i should be and I'm not! I hate feeling that way, but I'm told its natural and will heal with time.
I am suppose to go back to work tomorrow. I don't see how I can. I don't want too, i have no desire to. I only agreed because I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I don't want to let anyone down. I can't explain why I feel this way about going back but I just do.
Tomorrow I would have been 23 weeks...Tomorrow makes 1 month since Ben was born.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Just want to say ...
Thanks to Alice. She gave me the idea of having a blog for Ben. I already have another blog, its public and I knew i could never be as honest on there for fear of certain family members and friends reading it and maybe becoming offended. I had thought about journaling my thoughts and feelings but I just never could sit and write. For some reason typing comes a lot easier for me. I needed a place to be honest, say what i am feeling and thinking. No filters!
This is that place.
This is that place.
Where it all began...
I found out i was pregnant on September 6th, 2009 ironically Labor Day! It was a super faint line but it was there and i knew it! My husband convinced me to wait for Friday and re test but on Wednesday he brought home a box of tests and i got my bright positive i had been hoping for. We were thrilled! I went to a clinic and it was confirmed on Thursday. We nervously decided to tell our two children and close family, even though we knew it was super early. We were to excited to wait. Friday we told everyone!
The pregnancy seemed fine. I had a few bouts with the stomach flu and things like that. Morning sickness came and stayed but all in all it was fine. I didn't care how sick i was feeling as long as the baby was growing inside of me. My sister was also pregnant, my sister in law was as well. Not to mention friends at church. We were all so happy. Sharing our pregnancies together.
We decided in December to have a gender ultra sound done at one of those boutiques to surprise our families with on Christmas day. We were so excited, counting down the days. December 18th couldn't get here fast enough.
December 18th, 2009...It was my last day at work for Christmas holiday, it drug by SO slowly! Finally 1pm came and it was time to head to the ultra sound place. It was an hour away and we had to be there by 2:45. We got there right on time due to traffic. I was so excited. Me, Brad and my best friend rushed into the room. I got on the bed, we joked around some, the tech got the ultra sound wand out and on the large screen pops up the baby! I was so excited, yet at the same time something was off. The tech asked me if I had felt the baby yet(i was 18wks) and I told her yes I had. She then tells me to go to the restroom to empty my bladder. I sensed something wasn't right. Little did I know she pulled my best friend out to tell her she couldn't see a heart beat. I went back in, asked Brad where my friend was and he told me that the tech called her out. I knew something was wrong. I got back on the bed, they came back in. She started over, i looked for a heart beat. The all so familiar thumping you see on the screen that we had seen two times before. I saw nothing. I then asked the question that changed our lives forever. "Where's the heartbeat?" to which she said "I'm not seeing one, I'm so sorry!"... I lost it. I just remember crying and begging for my baby back. All the necessary calls were made. We were told to head back home to our local hospital for it to be confirmed by my Doctor and to start the process of induction.It was the longest car ride of our lives.
We got to the hospital, my mom, sister and godmother met us there. The midwife who was on call was waiting. She was the most kind and caring person. She tried her best to comfort us with out being generic. I was so grateful she was the one there. A 2nd ultra sound confirmed it, the baby was gone. He had stopped developing around 16/17 weeks and they estimated his heart had stopped sometime that week. He was gone, in heaven with his creator. I tried to think positive but all i kept thinking was I want him here, with me!
They gave me a induction medicine in pill form. They told me it could take 2-4 days but thankfully it didn't. I started contracting not long after the meds but things picked up around 1am on the 19th. Not long after she checked me and I was 2-3. She warned me because the baby was so small that i may not make it to 10 that sometimes around 6-7 the baby will come. Around 2am i felt this strong pressure sensation and intense pain along with a dropping sensation. It was over.
After removing him from his sack, they brought him to me. A boy, a sweet tiny baby boy. I already knew he was though. I remember just repeating it over and over "a boy!" It was what i wanted, i wouldn't admit to that because in all honesty healthy is what you want and after it taking so long to get pregnant i really didn't care but in the back of my mind a boy was always there.
Benjamin Wyatt... I got to hold him, he was so tiny but yet i was so amazed how everything was so perfect. His tiny hands and feet so small but so perfect. My mom held him, we cried...
They told me that my genetics test came back high risk for spina bifida but that didn't necessarily mean he had it just that some where genetically something wasn't right and caused this to happen. We will never really know. I guess God just wanted him with him sooner rather then later.
....
The pregnancy seemed fine. I had a few bouts with the stomach flu and things like that. Morning sickness came and stayed but all in all it was fine. I didn't care how sick i was feeling as long as the baby was growing inside of me. My sister was also pregnant, my sister in law was as well. Not to mention friends at church. We were all so happy. Sharing our pregnancies together.
We decided in December to have a gender ultra sound done at one of those boutiques to surprise our families with on Christmas day. We were so excited, counting down the days. December 18th couldn't get here fast enough.
December 18th, 2009...It was my last day at work for Christmas holiday, it drug by SO slowly! Finally 1pm came and it was time to head to the ultra sound place. It was an hour away and we had to be there by 2:45. We got there right on time due to traffic. I was so excited. Me, Brad and my best friend rushed into the room. I got on the bed, we joked around some, the tech got the ultra sound wand out and on the large screen pops up the baby! I was so excited, yet at the same time something was off. The tech asked me if I had felt the baby yet(i was 18wks) and I told her yes I had. She then tells me to go to the restroom to empty my bladder. I sensed something wasn't right. Little did I know she pulled my best friend out to tell her she couldn't see a heart beat. I went back in, asked Brad where my friend was and he told me that the tech called her out. I knew something was wrong. I got back on the bed, they came back in. She started over, i looked for a heart beat. The all so familiar thumping you see on the screen that we had seen two times before. I saw nothing. I then asked the question that changed our lives forever. "Where's the heartbeat?" to which she said "I'm not seeing one, I'm so sorry!"... I lost it. I just remember crying and begging for my baby back. All the necessary calls were made. We were told to head back home to our local hospital for it to be confirmed by my Doctor and to start the process of induction.It was the longest car ride of our lives.
We got to the hospital, my mom, sister and godmother met us there. The midwife who was on call was waiting. She was the most kind and caring person. She tried her best to comfort us with out being generic. I was so grateful she was the one there. A 2nd ultra sound confirmed it, the baby was gone. He had stopped developing around 16/17 weeks and they estimated his heart had stopped sometime that week. He was gone, in heaven with his creator. I tried to think positive but all i kept thinking was I want him here, with me!
They gave me a induction medicine in pill form. They told me it could take 2-4 days but thankfully it didn't. I started contracting not long after the meds but things picked up around 1am on the 19th. Not long after she checked me and I was 2-3. She warned me because the baby was so small that i may not make it to 10 that sometimes around 6-7 the baby will come. Around 2am i felt this strong pressure sensation and intense pain along with a dropping sensation. It was over.
After removing him from his sack, they brought him to me. A boy, a sweet tiny baby boy. I already knew he was though. I remember just repeating it over and over "a boy!" It was what i wanted, i wouldn't admit to that because in all honesty healthy is what you want and after it taking so long to get pregnant i really didn't care but in the back of my mind a boy was always there.
Benjamin Wyatt... I got to hold him, he was so tiny but yet i was so amazed how everything was so perfect. His tiny hands and feet so small but so perfect. My mom held him, we cried...
They told me that my genetics test came back high risk for spina bifida but that didn't necessarily mean he had it just that some where genetically something wasn't right and caused this to happen. We will never really know. I guess God just wanted him with him sooner rather then later.
....
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