What Makes A Mother...

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked " What makes a Mother?

And I know I heard Him say
"A Mother has a baby
This we know is true"

But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?

"Yes, you can,"
He replied,
With confidence in His voice

When they leave is not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.

He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today

If you could see your child's smile
With all the other children and say..

"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke here hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"

"So you see my dear sweet ones your children are okay
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay

They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson's through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!

Something for Ben...

I went out today and added some stuff to Bens grave. A little Easter bunny and and a bright green Easter egg. I brought him the pinwheel Tuesday. We will be going to order the headstone in the next week or so. I am so ready for the rain to slow down some so it dries up around there.

2 months....

Today makes 2 months since Benjamin was born into Heaven. Some one said to me today that I didn't seem like it had already been that long, but for me it seems like it should be much longer time that has passed. I guess that's because for me I'm still living it where as most people around me have moved on. And that's OK and normal, I know that and i am at peace with that.

I am trying my best to be at peace with a lot of things these days. Sure it still hurts, sure i still get angry but for my own mental health i have to change the bitterness that is in my heart because it is so easy to become consumed by it and that's not how I want to live my life and i know that's not how God wants me to live my life. There will never be a justifiable answer or reason to why its OK for me not to still be pregnant with Ben. To still have him growing inside of me. It will never be OK that he had to die before he ever took his 1st breath. I know that, I have accepted that... Doesn't mean I don't hurt or mourn what I have lost, just means i need to do my best each day to try and keep the peace and trust in God.

Its a long road, with many more painful milestones to come but just for today, just for right now I have peace in knowing that there will come a day when God will give me all the answers to all the unanswered questions I have. I will see Ben and hold him and kiss him. I cling to that thought, through the tears, pain and suffering... I hold to God's unchanging hand, he gives me peace.

The Difference...

The difference between you and me.


You get to feel your baby moving inside of you.

I get to imagine and long for what that would feel like.

You get to plan your baby shower, decorate your nursery and buy baby clothes.

I get to plan a funeral, pick flowers for the grave and visit the cemetery.

You get to experience labor and in the end hold your beautiful, soft, pink BREATHING baby.

I had to labor and hold my tiny, perfect but lifeless baby.

You get to bring your baby home, hold them, rock them.

I got to bring home .... nothing.

You have pictures of your baby, sleeping, opening their eyes, smiling.

I have pictures of his tiny hands and feet, of his casket and of his grave.

You wonder about the future.

I wonder about what might have been.

-blt

A song for Benjamin...

Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,
they'd end up loving you, too.
All those same people who scold you,
what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes,
you're not much, goodness knows.
But, you're so precious to me,
sweet as can be, baby of mine.

Yesterday...

Was not a very good day.

It seems like everyone keeps asking me about everyone else. My sister, Sister in law, best friend.... I am so tired of people talking to me about EVERYONE else who is pregnant or having babies. ITS SUPPOSE TO BE ME! I want to tell you about how I'm feeling, how the baby is kicking, how we are counting down the days... but no instead i am having to smile through the pain while answering the agonizing questions your asking.

I struggle so much with the emotions i feel. I want to be happy, i am happy for everyone else. But at the same time i want to be going through it too! I struggle with guilt, jealousy, feelings of "be positive or it wont happen for you!" All these things go through my mind constantly. Am I focusing to much on the negative? Am i thinking to much about having a baby? Why can't i just move on?

It's so frustrating...

Just Breathe...

That's all i kept repeating to myself yesterday. It was one for the record books. Not only did i go with my life long best friend to her 1st ultra sound! My nephew decided he couldn't wait till next Monday and my sister had him yesterday! It was an emotional roller coaster from start to finish.

The experience with my best friend actually wasn't bad at all. She is so early along, I mean sure I want to be pregnant and when she told me she was expecting(2 weeks after Ben's birth/death) it was SO hard to take, it felt like a cruel joke. So for me to be so OK during the whole thing was a "nice" surprise. She has wanted to be pregnant for a while to, maybe that's why its so easy? I don't know...

My nephews birth on the other hand... I was unprepared from the beginning seeing how it was a week earlier then planned. Going back to the hospital just a month before I had delivered Ben in, seeing the same nurses, smelling the same smells all brought back a ton of awful memories. When i got there my sister was already being rushed back to the back for her C-section(she can not deliver vaginally due to a health condition) so the nurse got her room ready and walked us to it. When we turned to go to the small hallway where only 4 rooms are, one being the one Ben was born in, i got so sick to my stomach, a pain shot through me like one i remember so well from the day I had him. Thankfully she turned in the 1st room and not the room i was in but still walking past there every time i go to see her is not easy.... She had him, they are both well. I had a melt down after they came back to the room and seeing him but i managed to walk outside before it started. All these thoughts came to my mind about how I was suppose to be 6 months pregnant when she had him and how my son and hers were going to be so close and how now thats not happening. My son is buried, i have to go visit him at a grave yard.

I wasn't really sure i was going to hold him, i just felt scared, and for some reason bad for thinking thoughts that weren't "happy" thoughts. Well my dad decides to literally plop him in my arms. I look at him, i feel him, i smell that sweet baby smell and all I see is my tiny baby boy laying in my arms! I lose it IN FRONT of everyone. The thing i didn't want to happen, DID! I sob, just rubbing his little hands and face. REMEMBERING, WISHING, HURTING!!! My mom took him from me and I ran to the bathroom. Thankfully knowing how hard this was going to be for me my two good friends had come up there. One came and met me in the bathroom and prayed with me, then thankfully got me to smile with a few little jokes. They took me to lunch just to get me out of there, which helped. I just wish sometimes i could shut off the thoughts! The constant replay of those events... I thought by now it would be a day by day thing. Some good, some bad. Lately its a minute by minute thing....

One breath at a time...

Back on Track?

Well at least my body is getting to be. I had my 1st post birth period this past week. It ended today. When it first started I was actually pretty up beat. I figured my body would act like it always does and wait a few months, then I'd have a period and it would skip a few months again. So i was very happy to see my body actually doing what its suppose to do.

Then the reality of it all hit me, period = no pregnancy! Which is something I knew already. I knew i wasn't pregnant anymore BUT it was just a huge slap in the face. Every time I would go to the bathroom, SLAP, every cramp, SLAP, buying pads at the store SLAP!!!

I cried a lot last week. I haven't cried that much since right after Ben was born. I just want to still be pregnant so badly, I just want him back inside me! I know its pointless to keep wishing that, one would even say not that healthy for me either but i can't help it.

My sister is having my nephew next week. Up until this week it really wasn't bothering me. She was so much farther along then me. I didn't feel like we had a bonding pregnancy experience. Sure it was fun to think about having kids close in age(mine are much older then hers) but it wasn't the same. Now I'm getting anxious. How will I react when I hold him? I know everyone will be watching me. They keep telling me if I don't want to be there I don't have to go,etc they all understand. So i know people will be waiting to see how i react. I want to be there, just now that its so close I'm just so unsure how i will handle it all...I guess we will see next week.


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Mama Loves & Misses you Benjamin.