Today makes 2 months since Benjamin was born into Heaven. Some one said to me today that I didn't seem like it had already been that long, but for me it seems like it should be much longer time that has passed. I guess that's because for me I'm still living it where as most people around me have moved on. And that's OK and normal, I know that and i am at peace with that.
I am trying my best to be at peace with a lot of things these days. Sure it still hurts, sure i still get angry but for my own mental health i have to change the bitterness that is in my heart because it is so easy to become consumed by it and that's not how I want to live my life and i know that's not how God wants me to live my life. There will never be a justifiable answer or reason to why its OK for me not to still be pregnant with Ben. To still have him growing inside of me. It will never be OK that he had to die before he ever took his 1st breath. I know that, I have accepted that... Doesn't mean I don't hurt or mourn what I have lost, just means i need to do my best each day to try and keep the peace and trust in God.
Its a long road, with many more painful milestones to come but just for today, just for right now I have peace in knowing that there will come a day when God will give me all the answers to all the unanswered questions I have. I will see Ben and hold him and kiss him. I cling to that thought, through the tears, pain and suffering... I hold to God's unchanging hand, he gives me peace.
Yes, very true. A lot of people probably have moved on, but it's still so fresh for you. I wish people could understand that more. Thinking of you and sending you hugs today.
ReplyDeleteyes= its two months for me today too.its a hard day
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