Just Breathe...

That's all i kept repeating to myself yesterday. It was one for the record books. Not only did i go with my life long best friend to her 1st ultra sound! My nephew decided he couldn't wait till next Monday and my sister had him yesterday! It was an emotional roller coaster from start to finish.

The experience with my best friend actually wasn't bad at all. She is so early along, I mean sure I want to be pregnant and when she told me she was expecting(2 weeks after Ben's birth/death) it was SO hard to take, it felt like a cruel joke. So for me to be so OK during the whole thing was a "nice" surprise. She has wanted to be pregnant for a while to, maybe that's why its so easy? I don't know...

My nephews birth on the other hand... I was unprepared from the beginning seeing how it was a week earlier then planned. Going back to the hospital just a month before I had delivered Ben in, seeing the same nurses, smelling the same smells all brought back a ton of awful memories. When i got there my sister was already being rushed back to the back for her C-section(she can not deliver vaginally due to a health condition) so the nurse got her room ready and walked us to it. When we turned to go to the small hallway where only 4 rooms are, one being the one Ben was born in, i got so sick to my stomach, a pain shot through me like one i remember so well from the day I had him. Thankfully she turned in the 1st room and not the room i was in but still walking past there every time i go to see her is not easy.... She had him, they are both well. I had a melt down after they came back to the room and seeing him but i managed to walk outside before it started. All these thoughts came to my mind about how I was suppose to be 6 months pregnant when she had him and how my son and hers were going to be so close and how now thats not happening. My son is buried, i have to go visit him at a grave yard.

I wasn't really sure i was going to hold him, i just felt scared, and for some reason bad for thinking thoughts that weren't "happy" thoughts. Well my dad decides to literally plop him in my arms. I look at him, i feel him, i smell that sweet baby smell and all I see is my tiny baby boy laying in my arms! I lose it IN FRONT of everyone. The thing i didn't want to happen, DID! I sob, just rubbing his little hands and face. REMEMBERING, WISHING, HURTING!!! My mom took him from me and I ran to the bathroom. Thankfully knowing how hard this was going to be for me my two good friends had come up there. One came and met me in the bathroom and prayed with me, then thankfully got me to smile with a few little jokes. They took me to lunch just to get me out of there, which helped. I just wish sometimes i could shut off the thoughts! The constant replay of those events... I thought by now it would be a day by day thing. Some good, some bad. Lately its a minute by minute thing....

One breath at a time...