Something for Ben...

I went out today and added some stuff to Bens grave. A little Easter bunny and and a bright green Easter egg. I brought him the pinwheel Tuesday. We will be going to order the headstone in the next week or so. I am so ready for the rain to slow down some so it dries up around there.

2 months....

Today makes 2 months since Benjamin was born into Heaven. Some one said to me today that I didn't seem like it had already been that long, but for me it seems like it should be much longer time that has passed. I guess that's because for me I'm still living it where as most people around me have moved on. And that's OK and normal, I know that and i am at peace with that.

I am trying my best to be at peace with a lot of things these days. Sure it still hurts, sure i still get angry but for my own mental health i have to change the bitterness that is in my heart because it is so easy to become consumed by it and that's not how I want to live my life and i know that's not how God wants me to live my life. There will never be a justifiable answer or reason to why its OK for me not to still be pregnant with Ben. To still have him growing inside of me. It will never be OK that he had to die before he ever took his 1st breath. I know that, I have accepted that... Doesn't mean I don't hurt or mourn what I have lost, just means i need to do my best each day to try and keep the peace and trust in God.

Its a long road, with many more painful milestones to come but just for today, just for right now I have peace in knowing that there will come a day when God will give me all the answers to all the unanswered questions I have. I will see Ben and hold him and kiss him. I cling to that thought, through the tears, pain and suffering... I hold to God's unchanging hand, he gives me peace.

The Difference...

The difference between you and me.


You get to feel your baby moving inside of you.

I get to imagine and long for what that would feel like.

You get to plan your baby shower, decorate your nursery and buy baby clothes.

I get to plan a funeral, pick flowers for the grave and visit the cemetery.

You get to experience labor and in the end hold your beautiful, soft, pink BREATHING baby.

I had to labor and hold my tiny, perfect but lifeless baby.

You get to bring your baby home, hold them, rock them.

I got to bring home .... nothing.

You have pictures of your baby, sleeping, opening their eyes, smiling.

I have pictures of his tiny hands and feet, of his casket and of his grave.

You wonder about the future.

I wonder about what might have been.

-blt

A song for Benjamin...

Baby mine, don't you cry.
Baby mine, dry your eyes.
Rest your head close to my heart,
never to part, baby of mine.

Little one, when you play,
pay no heed what they say.
Let your eyes sparkle and shine,
never a tear, baby of mine.

If they knew all about you,
they'd end up loving you, too.
All those same people who scold you,
what they'd give just for the right to hold you.

From your hair down to your toes,
you're not much, goodness knows.
But, you're so precious to me,
sweet as can be, baby of mine.

Yesterday...

Was not a very good day.

It seems like everyone keeps asking me about everyone else. My sister, Sister in law, best friend.... I am so tired of people talking to me about EVERYONE else who is pregnant or having babies. ITS SUPPOSE TO BE ME! I want to tell you about how I'm feeling, how the baby is kicking, how we are counting down the days... but no instead i am having to smile through the pain while answering the agonizing questions your asking.

I struggle so much with the emotions i feel. I want to be happy, i am happy for everyone else. But at the same time i want to be going through it too! I struggle with guilt, jealousy, feelings of "be positive or it wont happen for you!" All these things go through my mind constantly. Am I focusing to much on the negative? Am i thinking to much about having a baby? Why can't i just move on?

It's so frustrating...

Just Breathe...

That's all i kept repeating to myself yesterday. It was one for the record books. Not only did i go with my life long best friend to her 1st ultra sound! My nephew decided he couldn't wait till next Monday and my sister had him yesterday! It was an emotional roller coaster from start to finish.

The experience with my best friend actually wasn't bad at all. She is so early along, I mean sure I want to be pregnant and when she told me she was expecting(2 weeks after Ben's birth/death) it was SO hard to take, it felt like a cruel joke. So for me to be so OK during the whole thing was a "nice" surprise. She has wanted to be pregnant for a while to, maybe that's why its so easy? I don't know...

My nephews birth on the other hand... I was unprepared from the beginning seeing how it was a week earlier then planned. Going back to the hospital just a month before I had delivered Ben in, seeing the same nurses, smelling the same smells all brought back a ton of awful memories. When i got there my sister was already being rushed back to the back for her C-section(she can not deliver vaginally due to a health condition) so the nurse got her room ready and walked us to it. When we turned to go to the small hallway where only 4 rooms are, one being the one Ben was born in, i got so sick to my stomach, a pain shot through me like one i remember so well from the day I had him. Thankfully she turned in the 1st room and not the room i was in but still walking past there every time i go to see her is not easy.... She had him, they are both well. I had a melt down after they came back to the room and seeing him but i managed to walk outside before it started. All these thoughts came to my mind about how I was suppose to be 6 months pregnant when she had him and how my son and hers were going to be so close and how now thats not happening. My son is buried, i have to go visit him at a grave yard.

I wasn't really sure i was going to hold him, i just felt scared, and for some reason bad for thinking thoughts that weren't "happy" thoughts. Well my dad decides to literally plop him in my arms. I look at him, i feel him, i smell that sweet baby smell and all I see is my tiny baby boy laying in my arms! I lose it IN FRONT of everyone. The thing i didn't want to happen, DID! I sob, just rubbing his little hands and face. REMEMBERING, WISHING, HURTING!!! My mom took him from me and I ran to the bathroom. Thankfully knowing how hard this was going to be for me my two good friends had come up there. One came and met me in the bathroom and prayed with me, then thankfully got me to smile with a few little jokes. They took me to lunch just to get me out of there, which helped. I just wish sometimes i could shut off the thoughts! The constant replay of those events... I thought by now it would be a day by day thing. Some good, some bad. Lately its a minute by minute thing....

One breath at a time...

Back on Track?

Well at least my body is getting to be. I had my 1st post birth period this past week. It ended today. When it first started I was actually pretty up beat. I figured my body would act like it always does and wait a few months, then I'd have a period and it would skip a few months again. So i was very happy to see my body actually doing what its suppose to do.

Then the reality of it all hit me, period = no pregnancy! Which is something I knew already. I knew i wasn't pregnant anymore BUT it was just a huge slap in the face. Every time I would go to the bathroom, SLAP, every cramp, SLAP, buying pads at the store SLAP!!!

I cried a lot last week. I haven't cried that much since right after Ben was born. I just want to still be pregnant so badly, I just want him back inside me! I know its pointless to keep wishing that, one would even say not that healthy for me either but i can't help it.

My sister is having my nephew next week. Up until this week it really wasn't bothering me. She was so much farther along then me. I didn't feel like we had a bonding pregnancy experience. Sure it was fun to think about having kids close in age(mine are much older then hers) but it wasn't the same. Now I'm getting anxious. How will I react when I hold him? I know everyone will be watching me. They keep telling me if I don't want to be there I don't have to go,etc they all understand. So i know people will be waiting to see how i react. I want to be there, just now that its so close I'm just so unsure how i will handle it all...I guess we will see next week.


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Mama Loves & Misses you Benjamin.

More...

Time.Pictures.Memories.Kicks.Movements.Moments...LIFE!


All things I wish i would have had more of with Benjamin.

10 steps back...

Today has not been the best of day's. All morning i kept thinking about how i SHOULD be pregnant, how I'm NOT pregnant. How badly I want another child.


It hurts.

Today...

It's been one month today since Benjamin was born. I held him for the first and last time. It seems like it took forever for a month to finally pass but at the same time in my mind i relive every moment of those two days as if they just happened. I am coping a lot better then i thought I would. I mean sure I have my moments sometimes they come on so suddenly but from what I'm being told i seem to be doing "well". I pray that it isn't a set up for some kind of huge mental break down months down the road. Only time will tell...

Well I quit my job yesterday. I truly felt like it was the best decision. I will miss it but once i finally made the call I felt this huge weight lifted off of me. I just sense my life going in a new direction. I am looking forward to see where that leads.

Today I will be spending the day with a friend, in hopes to keep my mind in some what of a happy place.

************

Happy 1 month birthday Benjamin! I know your having a good time in heaven with all our family that has already passed. I miss you & love you! - Mama

1 month...

One month ago today i thought Ben was still alive. I was excited to be finding out if the baby was a boy or a girl. Instead i found out the baby had no heartbeat!

This has been the longest month of my life. I miss him so much, growing inside of me. The flutters that would now be kicks. Why can't he just be inside of me living, growing? I see all of my friends and family who are still pregnant and all around the same months I should be and i get so jealous and so sad! I'm not mad at them or wish bad on them I just mourn what i lost and seeing them is a constant reminder of where i should be and I'm not! I hate feeling that way, but I'm told its natural and will heal with time.

I am suppose to go back to work tomorrow. I don't see how I can. I don't want too, i have no desire to. I only agreed because I felt it was the right thing to do at the time. I don't want to let anyone down. I can't explain why I feel this way about going back but I just do.

Tomorrow I would have been 23 weeks...Tomorrow makes 1 month since Ben was born.

Just want to say ...

Thanks to Alice. She gave me the idea of having a blog for Ben. I already have another blog, its public and I knew i could never be as honest on there for fear of certain family members and friends reading it and maybe becoming offended. I had thought about journaling my thoughts and feelings but I just never could sit and write. For some reason typing comes a lot easier for me. I needed a place to be honest, say what i am feeling and thinking. No filters!

This is that place.

Where it all began...

I found out i was pregnant on September 6th, 2009 ironically Labor Day! It was a super faint line but it was there and i knew it! My husband convinced me to wait for Friday and re test but on Wednesday he brought home a box of tests and i got my bright positive i had been hoping for. We were thrilled! I went to a clinic and it was confirmed on Thursday. We nervously decided to tell our two children and close family, even though we knew it was super early. We were to excited to wait. Friday we told everyone!

The pregnancy seemed fine. I had a few bouts with the stomach flu and things like that. Morning sickness came and stayed but all in all it was fine. I didn't care how sick i was feeling as long as the baby was growing inside of me. My sister was also pregnant, my sister in law was as well. Not to mention friends at church. We were all so happy. Sharing our pregnancies together.

We decided in December to have a gender ultra sound done at one of those boutiques to surprise our families with on Christmas day. We were so excited, counting down the days. December 18th couldn't get here fast enough.

December 18th, 2009...It was my last day at work for Christmas holiday, it drug by SO slowly! Finally 1pm came and it was time to head to the ultra sound place. It was an hour away and we had to be there by 2:45. We got there right on time due to traffic. I was so excited. Me, Brad and my best friend rushed into the room. I got on the bed, we joked around some, the tech got the ultra sound wand out and on the large screen pops up the baby! I was so excited, yet at the same time something was off. The tech asked me if I had felt the baby yet(i was 18wks) and I told her yes I had. She then tells me to go to the restroom to empty my bladder. I sensed something wasn't right. Little did I know she pulled my best friend out to tell her she couldn't see a heart beat. I went back in, asked Brad where my friend was and he told me that the tech called her out. I knew something was wrong. I got back on the bed, they came back in. She started over, i looked for a heart beat. The all so familiar thumping you see on the screen that we had seen two times before. I saw nothing. I then asked the question that changed our lives forever. "Where's the heartbeat?" to which she said "I'm not seeing one, I'm so sorry!"... I lost it. I just remember crying and begging for my baby back. All the necessary calls were made. We were told to head back home to our local hospital for it to be confirmed by my Doctor and to start the process of induction.It was the longest car ride of our lives.

We got to the hospital, my mom, sister and godmother met us there. The midwife who was on call was waiting. She was the most kind and caring person. She tried her best to comfort us with out being generic. I was so grateful she was the one there. A 2nd ultra sound confirmed it, the baby was gone. He had stopped developing around 16/17 weeks and they estimated his heart had stopped sometime that week. He was gone, in heaven with his creator. I tried to think positive but all i kept thinking was I want him here, with me!

They gave me a induction medicine in pill form. They told me it could take 2-4 days but thankfully it didn't. I started contracting not long after the meds but things picked up around 1am on the 19th. Not long after she checked me and I was 2-3. She warned me because the baby was so small that i may not make it to 10 that sometimes around 6-7 the baby will come. Around 2am i felt this strong pressure sensation and intense pain along with a dropping sensation. It was over.

After removing him from his sack, they brought him to me. A boy, a sweet tiny baby boy. I already knew he was though. I remember just repeating it over and over "a boy!" It was what i wanted, i wouldn't admit to that because in all honesty healthy is what you want and after it taking so long to get pregnant i really didn't care but in the back of my mind a boy was always there.

Benjamin Wyatt... I got to hold him, he was so tiny but yet i was so amazed how everything was so perfect. His tiny hands and feet so small but so perfect. My mom held him, we cried...

They told me that my genetics test came back high risk for spina bifida but that didn't necessarily mean he had it just that some where genetically something wasn't right and caused this to happen. We will never really know. I guess God just wanted him with him sooner rather then later.

....